


moving forward while looking back

by donotaskforlove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 12:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3692217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donotaskforlove/pseuds/donotaskforlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry has been saying goodbye to Zayn for a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	moving forward while looking back

**Author's Note:**

> Coming out of retirement (hi!) because I feel like these two need closure (sigh, such a sad state of affairs), since the Take Me Home tour was such a radical time to be alive, and then the following cold that followed it subsequently and gradually (for this pairing) just makes me feel like these two might've done some stuff during that tour, developed some accidental feelings, and then cut each other out of the picture for the good of all. The way they acted during that tour was the way lovers act, and the way they acted following that time period is how exes act, when they are trying to maintain distance and still be cordial. 
> 
> The way that Harry reacted to the news over the the week that it happened... man. 
> 
> This is what happened in my head for this ship – removes cobwebs – and this is how they said goodbye. Very short, but hope you like it anyway!
> 
> Disclaimer: Not real, fake, fake, fake. Fiction.

*

The way it ends is not as dramatic as everyone makes it out to be. Harry knew, like they all knew, that Zayn wanted out, it's just that they didn't know exactly when it was going to be executed or what it all entailed. It also didn't mean that it was an easy thing to grasp or swallow – it was understood that they didn't have to like it or be supportive of the decision.

As terrible as it sounds, the scandal about Zayn and the girls was the opening that management might've been waiting for, since it effectively allowed them to pluck Zayn out of the picture, but perhaps in a way that Zayn hadn't fully prepared for.

To varying degrees, Harry himself – and Louis, Niall, and Liam – all want the same thing (to be done, to rest, to be _them_ ), it's just that it is more of a vague idea (or an inkling) in their heads, almost too abstract to fully conceptualize.

Harry has been preparing for this – in some ways – since the end of the Take Me Home tour.

The way that Zayn and he messed (fucked) around that tour, messed up their friendship, and then messed with each other's heads kind of prompted the slow and clumsy death of his departure (he's sure).

It's just that for the longest time, Harry always thought he would have left first.

*

Harry knows that the chemistry that he has with Zayn – from the start – is not cute the way it is with Louis, fun the way it is with Niall, or playfully antagonistic the way it is with Liam.

He and Zayn are about shouting matches over stupid shit, carelessly soft touches, and hurried and clumsy kisses when they are alone.

It carries over onto stage, during tour, and it lights him up like nothing else to show it off – this unnameable thing that is a dynamite stick that he has swallowed, trapped in his ribcage.

They are so clumsy when they are together, and Harry would laugh about it, if he wasn't so acutely terrified all of the time.

When Zayn says Perrie knows and she's okay with it, Harry wants to call him a million and one terrible things, but he doesn't. Out loud.

Instead he pulls Zayn into his room and fumbles with his zipper, fumbles throughout the entire thing. He thinks in his head, though, very loudly, _Zayn, you prick, you tit. You are so fucking dumb. This is terrible. We are done for. We are so fucked and I am so fucked, what the fuck?_

Zayn is gone in the morning, so in his place Harry is clutching a soft teddy bear to his chest. Zayn put it there. He won it for Harry at some carnival a year ago. Harry starts laughing and alternates between intense happiness and crushing anxiety for the rest of the day.

The damn teddy bear is always there when Zayn isn't, until one day Harry gives it to a fan and breathes a little easier.

Zayn is lounging in an armchair across from him and looking at him like, _Yeah?_

Harry smiles like it's nothing and smiles at no one and leaves.

*

He is so angry when he sees images of Zayn wearing his ring for the first few days following Zayn's permanent departure.

In retaliation, he parades around with Zayn's hairstyle, uses Zayn's mic, and loses his shit all over the stage.

He doesn't know what he's doing or what it means, but Zayn texts him, _babe :( love you_ , and Harry doesn't respond.

He hasn't responded for a year and a half now, and every time, it feels a little bit like dying.

This is how Harry really says goodbye.

*

That is the last time Zayn texts him. They don't communicate with each other until Liam's birthday.

At that point, they hug like they are distant uni mates at a reunion gathering after many long years.

It is all so very polite.

*

The thing is, it hadn't meant nothing. The thing is, they failed each other without meaning to, without intending to, without a thought.

A year and a half ago, Zayn pecked him on the lips, their foreheads touching, and said, “Let's not fuck this up, fuck us up, more than we already have, babe.” Harry had frowned and held on tighter.

But he'd agreed, because there was so much to lose, so much risk involved, and they were both not as brave as they pretended to be.

They were incredibly stupid, though, since there was nothing left to lose in the aftermath if they had already lost it all in the beginning.

*

It is two years later, and Harry is out and dating an up and coming fashion designer. His name is Philip.

Harry has started a new chapter in his life, with new people, and new experiences. There is a freedom and an excitement buzzing through him that he has not experienced in a long time.

He sees Zayn at an awards show, with his sister on his arm, as his date. He looks good. They wave to each other, and Harry smiles at him genuinely, feeling only a little gut-punched.

Zayn catches Harry in a backwards hug as they are going down the the red carpet line and giving interviews. Harry knows it's him – his ring is on Zayn's finger. He automatically grabs hold of Zayn's hands (pressed to his waist and chest) as the interviewer beams at the both of them in delight.

This is how they say hello.

 

 

END


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